How It Really Happened
by JediTears09
Summary: How did Harry really break his nose on the Hogwarts Express? Answer: He's a pervert. Rated T for ambiguous nudity and Harry being a creeper.


_A/N: Um… this just happened. I don't know. I think this is what they call "crack fic." Oh, Harry, you're such a pervert. ;)_

. . .

How It Really Happened

The Story of How Harry Potter Really Broke His Nose on the Hogwarts Express

. . .

Draco Malfoy was standing in the middle of the Hogwarts train, his white-blonde hair dripping something orange and sticky onto his shoulders. A terrified first-year clutched an empty cup, trying to squeak out an apology.

He had dropped his notebook and Draco, smiling at the wide-eyed boy like a good prefect, bent down to pick it up for him. And in return, the quivering boy had accidentally dumped pumpkin juice all over him.

Draco snarled wordlessly at the boy, thrusting the book into his thin chest and pushing past him. The first-year called out one last apology, and Draco barked back, "Ten points from whatever house they put you in!"

The other first-years started laughing at the boy as soon as they thought Draco was out of earshot.

That's what you get for being nice, Draco thought as he stormed down the corridor. The prefects were allowed to use the showers in the back of the train, thankfully.

He passed by Hermione and Ron; Hermione said shrilly, "Malfoy, where are you going? You're supposed to be patrolling!"

Ron laughed and yelled, "Hey Harry, come take a look at this! What, trying to dye your hair ginger like mine? Jealous, Malfoy?"

Draco's face burned red and his jaw clenched, but he ignored them and closed the small bathroom's door behind him. A set of wide lockers lined one wall, some urinals and bathroom stalls on another, and a couple sinks and a block of three showers in the far corners. A low bench and a grey bin full of coarse white towels sat near the lockers.

Draco pulled off his robe and yanked his shirt over his head without undoing the buttons. He threw them both into a sink and twisted the handle of the cold faucet, hoping it would get at least some of the stains out. (He hadn't exactly mastered Flitwick's cleaning charms.)

There was a rap on the door, and before Draco could say anything, Hermione had opened the door and stepped in, presumably to admonish him for shirking his prefect duties. She took one look at Draco's bare chest, turned scarlet, and stammered at the floor, "Oh, Draco! I mean… Malfoy. I mean, ah…"

Draco raised an eyebrow at her.

"Hurry up and get back to the front of the train, we're having a… having a meeting." Her eyes darted up from the floor for an instant, but then she turned and quickly pulled the door shut behind her.

Draco stared at the door for a few moments, then shrugged and proceeded to remove the rest of his clothes. He dropped them on the bench and grabbed a towel out of the bin.

Looking into the first shower and finding a colorful fungus decorating the floor, he instead opted for the middle one. He flung the towel over the door and slid the latch shut behind him. When he turned the water on, an icy jet shot at him; he jumped out of the way, swearing, and then thrust the faucet handle in the opposite direction.

Draco sighed as the relaxing warm water washed over him, quickly filling the small room with steam. It turned out that pumpkin juice stains were one of the most difficult things to wash out of blonde hair, surpassed only by bubble gum and blood, and Draco was so busy furiously scrubbing shampoo into his scalp, that he didn't hear the door to the bathroom open. In fact, he didn't notice the intruder at all, until Harry Potter's head appeared under the shower door.

Harry wasn't sure what came over him. Perhaps all those years living in a cupboard had turned him into a creeper after all. Maybe he was just curious. But there he was, lying on the bathroom floor, staring up at Draco Malfoy, who was clutching a shampoo bottle and wearing nothing but a startled expression.

He didn't stare for long, though, because Draco let out a blood-curdling scream, and brought his bare foot down on Harry's face, hard. Harry felt his nose shatter, yanked his head out from under the door, and quickly retreated to the bench, where he attempted to stem the flow of blood with a towel.

Draco, clutching his heart and willing it not to explode, snatched the towel from the door and wrapped it securely around his waist. The stall door banged open as Draco dashed out of it, slipping a little in a puddle of Harry's blood.

Harry pulled the towel away from his face and yelled, "What the hell, Malfoy?"

"What the-?" Draco stared at Harry, wild-eyed, trying to work out how he could possibly be the bad guy this time. "What the hell, is _wrong_ with you, Potter? Don't you get enough naked man time with Weasley?"

Harry, who seemed to be regretting his decision at this point, began looking desperately for a way out of the situation. He stalled by pulling out his wand and tapping his nose. _Episky_. The bones cracked back into place, and he wiped the remaining blood away with the towel.

"Potter, you've done it this time, I'll tell the whole school you tried to take a peek at me in the shower. They'll never take you seriously again. I bet Peeves will even have a new song about you; "Potter the Pervert" has a nice ring to it." Draco smirked. Normally he would make a "my father will hear about this" comment, but truthfully, he didn't want his father to know about this one. The last thing he needed Lucius Malfoy to hear was the word "Drarry".

Now it was Harry's turn to smirk, and Draco pulled the towel a little tighter around his slim hips. "Oh, no, I don't think you will, Malfoy. You see, they probably won't believe you, and if they do I'll just have to tell everyone how awfully _tiny_ you are, then."

Draco spluttered, "You- you know that's not true, Potter."

Harry raised an eyebrow at him. "Yes, quite. But who are they going to believe? I'm the only one to see, unless you've taken to flashing people in the hallways."

Draco clenched his jaw, his breath passing noisily through his teeth, as he thought this through.

"Alright, Potter. Let's just… forget about this. No one else needs to know, okay?"

Then passed a few minutes of staring, Harry thinking about this offer, and Draco fidgeting uncomfortably with the towel.

"Alright. See you around, Draco." Harry's lips were pressed together, as if he were trying not to laugh; he slipped out the door, and left Draco standing alone in a damp towel, wondering what the hell had just happened.


End file.
